How ironic that my first blog entry was to say goodbye? I’m not broken hearted. It’s funny because I should feel that way because I recently ended a relationship. Then why am I doing fine? Why am I not crying and I’ve been smiling a lot lately? Why do I feel good about finally being free? There were a lot of questions that’s been screwing up my mind and the irony of it all, I don’t bother asking them for I think I already know the answers. Of course, the sad part was I broke his heart and shattered his dreams for us. But I knew that was the right thing to do. We grew apart over the past months and there was no way we can still work it out. Probably I don’t love him enough to hold on or maybe just maybe I simply just gave up on us.

I always consider myself a hopeless romantic and I believe in destiny as much as I trust in love but somewhere along the way, love frustrations and a few heartaches had left me numb. Nah, I don’t blame love. It’s just me and my expectations, my fairy-tale notions about love and my foolish choices on whom to love. Love is something I still can’t comprehend, it is beyond words and no amount of understanding can make me really grasp its meaning. It is a mystery that we are probably not meant to know. I’ve loved once, twice even, I seem to have lost count now and never mind counting how many times I’ve hurt myself because of it. Someone once told me that you could never really call it love when you can’t feel pain every once in a while. I guess hurting and crying are all a part of the process. Am I fool trying to risk it over and over again? You may think that I never learn but how can you tell your heart not to fall in love when its main purpose of it all is to love? Love was never our choice, because if it was who would choose such great pain.

I’m quite happy with what I’ve become. I’ve embraced life so much that I failed to see what was evident that I needed love after all. And now, the endless search for the “right one”, the long wait for true love and the longing to be with someone made me want to fall in love. And I did, but somehow I knew it wasn’t really meant to be but my impatience and my stubbornness prevailed. And what did it caused me?? Whoa, another broken heart!

Somehow it feels like I’m giving up on love, perhaps I am. I’m just so tired now but lately I’ve realized that maybe I’ve been dwelling too much about love for my own happiness and neglecting what love was all about. Or probably I’ve been looking at love in all the wrong places, whoa that explains “the wrong ones” I’ve been finding quite a lot. My romantic delusions remained just that, delusions. So, can anyone tell me what love really is? Where and how to find it, and let’s say you find it (if you find it) how can you keep it? Am I screwing your mind, nah don’t worry you’re not alone. Should I start singing “Goodbye To Love” anytime soon? Ah, I hope not.

I once read somewhere that God heals the broken heart you just have to give Him all the pieces… Now, I wonder if I had given God all the pieces of my shattered heart from my wounded past or am I still trying to pick up the pieces and restore what was lost. I failed to see that above everything else we should love God first before we can actually love anyone else. There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is absolutely nothing we can do to make God loves us less. His love is unconditional, impartial, everlasting, infinite, and perfect. God is love and there’s nothing more astounding than His love for us and for that I’m never gonna bid love goodbye.

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